Called Up From The Front Row

Dad's Pulpit
Built by my Brother with all of his kid's names and verse etched in it.

 December 31st, 2017. A date that  holds so much meaning and healing for me.  It was a concert of prayer!  I sat there taking it all in. With my Bible and journal open, I sat in quiet contemplation of what was and what new things the Lord might be leading me into. From the front row I listened, worshiped and was lead in thankfulness & intercessory prayer by my Dad for the community he ministers in.

We'll come back to this scene in  December in a minute, but first let me tell you some things . . .

 My Dad is a beautiful man of Jesus with a heart of love and courage like the Good Shepherd.  Over the years I looked to him as my provider, protector, taxi driver, financial adviser and spiritual leader as  well as my pastor.  I honor him in writing this and affirm the call and heart of his life. I appreciate his heart to teach Biblical foundation and Truth to his children and leave a legacy of love & courage that will go way beyond his 30+ years of ministry.

6 years ago though I began the process of 'adulting.' I physically moved out from under my Dad's covering and moved across the country.  Everything was new--new house, new responsibilities, new friends, new ministry of my own, new theological backgrounds,  new church family, new pastor!  So much new! Even though geographically there were  changes that were hard for us (my Dad & me) to adjust to...even more was the inner letting go of being his baby girl.  The Lord began showing me deep places of my heart.  Places of codependency, places where who my dad was defined and shaped my identity (instead of Jesus), places where I would strive to please him and feared him in an unhealthy way were all a part of where my heart layers laid exposed.

  Growing up, I never wanted to express myself emotionally or in a conflict for fear of being shut down or told I was wrong. The way I learned to relate to my Dad was very childlike and subservient out of fear or just an attempt to keep the peace. In the process of raising children, I think it is healthy for a child to learn how to place themselves under authority and respect them, but never to the place where a child is shut down or not communicated with even when there's a conflict.   *Breathe* Ahh, but over these 6 years,  love and grace started gripping the both of us and has brought me to my knees in tearful  transformative prayer as I have learned new ways of relating to Dad. More than geographically doing adult, mature things...I felt the Lord was moving me into more of a spiritual adulthood as well.  As I have let go of my Dad's identity, learned to embrace/own my identity under Jesus and learned to discern with a heart that wants humility...there have been good moments and really hard moments.  Conversations with Dad have switched over these years...and sometimes I go back into little girl mode.  Still I trust the hand of the One who is carrying me over the threshold into adulthood.  And I trust the One who leads my Dad on as He continues life's transitions!

Phew! Now back to the story of  December 31st.   I sat in the front row of his church not fully being able to articulate what had been happening with those "Daddy ties" in my heart. The concert of prayer was coming to an end and I in my quiet way was just taking it all in.  The final worship song was playing, Dad stood behind his pulpit and then said my name. "Deanna, come sing with me!" I barely got the words out as I stood by my Dad in his place of authority and leadership.  Tears poured out of my eyes as I sang, "Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary.." and then when we finished the song  and he asked me to pray out loud in front of the whole church family!

This moment for me was one that was a picture that showed exactly the process and prayers of my relationship to Dad.  As I stood shoulder to shoulder/side by side with my Dad behind his pulpit, it was a moment where he called me up from my little girl place of being under him to a woman who can stand and lead her own life and calling!  It released in me a feeling of blessing/affirmation from my Dad.  It was a powerful picture of a little girl moving from childhood to womanhood.  So on days where conversations lead us back to the old ways, I try to remember with much grace this moment and know my Daddy loves and affirms me even in our different callings, vocations and ways.  We are different and together because our love for each other and Jesus is bigger than anything. He is healing us and gives us so much grace and courage.

Thank you, Dad! I love you...I am blessed by you!

"In the quiet pride of my Father's eyes I remember who I am. and when I feel the warmth of my Father's smile feels like I've been born again...I've been born again."