"Hello, Darkness My Old Friend..."

 This is more than just a lyric of an old Simon and Garfunkel tune.  As I look at it a bit deeper these days,  I am  reminded through times of prayer,  various books and through my monthly Spiritual Direction hour that part of being an authentic leader, person and follower of Christ means that I have to be honest with myself in recognizing the vices, sins and Pharisaical persona that is in my soul.  In these days of COVID it has been easy for me at points to just distract myself, power through and overcome instead of sitting still to notice what is really going on in me.  This year has me being a more vocal presence in church gatherings and  group settings and classes. I even have friendships that are growing into  honest confession and real vulnerability. It's wonderful and hard and a joy!  I still however find solitude and silence to be the BEST place where I am still enough to let my soul come out and look at myself honestly.  In my soul I have noticed misplaced affection,unmet  expectation/needs, grief, even ways that I pretend I'm ok when I am really not ok.  There's envy, pride, lust, laziness, partiality and selfishness.  I see these things and before God I have learned and am learning to uncover it all. This leads me to be uncovered and open. It can spiral down some days for me where I  feel like I am trapped in the darkness--in endless guilt and condemnation. Most days though when I take what I see in me before God and shine His light into those dark places,   I find myself becoming a  true woman who is aware and pays attention to all of these things. I am a broken woman who is STILL deeply loved by God.  And now this time of taking stalk has only lead to deep awareness and trust in God with my darkness ...instead of the shame and fear of it before.  My darkness is as light to Him. It's not too much for my God to see and handle

 What does it mean to befriend the darkness or vices in us?  I don't think it means to hold on to the sinful ways and just go live a party life that keeps us trapped, but it means to look honestly at  the darkness within ourselves without judgement. A sort of acknowledging the sin and letting it sail on by without engaging it or giving it power in our lives.   Another example of this came when I was watching the movie Penelope on Netflix the other day.  There is a line in that movie that says something like "It's not the curse itself that holds power ...it's the power you give the curse."  We all have the stuff in us...the darkness that will trip us up.  What a freeing thing it has been for me to see and acknowledge --befriend my darkness---and yet stop giving it power to master the way I live my life with God's help!  Transformation and more Christ likeness has happened for me when I stopped fighting or denying the darkness in me and held it open to God.   It's been a process to be ok with  looking  at myself honestly before God,but as I have come to understand Him and His response to me in my darkness-- there is actual freedom.  There is that dance...there is that weight lifted off and a work where only God can get the glory because, dear friend,  there is a LIGHT that shines in the darkness and may it always burn brighter and stronger!