Almost.

 “Almost. Almost the winner. Almost there. Almost a leader. Almost a pastor. Almost the best sermon or homily. Almost better. Almost successful in the project or program. Almost done cooking dinner. Almost in labor. Almost done my renovations. Almost to my goal weight. Almost in love. Almost to my wedding day. Almost on vacation. Almost ‘the one’ they love. Almost to retirement. Almost here. Almost never. Almost stuck. Almost angry. Almost dead. Almost alive and almost done. The ‘almosts’ of life roll around in my brain and especially this past year. As this year begins let’s ditch the almosts and accept it for what is real and true. Never forgetting to keep praying, keep hoping and laughing at all the times we ‘almost’ traded in our true selves for what could’ve been fake, a disaster or not participating with God’s Spirit in what could have been our best decision for us. Let’s linger long in the loving gaze of God and make wise decisions based out of clear discernment and what brings us deeper life in God and glorying in His love. There is no other. We are always almost home.”

I wrote the above on my mini blog space known as instagram because I am aware of my feelings of inadequacy that seem to permeate every area of my life. The chain holds me back and I am reminding myself and the enemy that I have all that I want in my Shepherd. It’s interesting to me how even subconsciously I believe these lies. An example of how deep they run in me is on the day I must’ve been coming in out of seizures in September 2021 my last text I sent a friend was something about them winning and me feeling vulnerable. Even when my mind wasn’t coherent I still had this bizarre thought. I’m the almost pastor. I’m the inadequate one on the team or in the friendship/relationship. Even though I still don’t understand all the events surrounding my medical stuff and the days after coma and trauma etc., I do know that what has been and is being rooted out of me is this sense of being the ‘almost’ one. Thank God I have Mental Health Nurses, Spiritual Directors and friends that are praying and remind me that none of us have arrived and that “The Lord is my Shepherd I have all that I need.” 

Pray for me this year friends. I pray that even in your almosts that you feel loved and chosen by God.

We’re almost home—don’t quit!