The Rhythms of His Heart

 “ Almost. Almost the winner. Almost there. Almost a leader. Almost a pastor. Almost the best sermon or homily. Almost better. Almost successful in the project or program. Almost done cooking dinner. Almost in labor. Almost done my renovations. Almost to my goal weight. Almost in love. Almost to my wedding day. Almost on vacation. Almost ‘the one’ they love. Almost to retirement. Almost here. Almost never. Almost stuck. Almost angry. Almost dead. Almost alive and almost done. The ‘almosts’ of life roll around in my brain and especially this past year. As this year begins let’s ditch the almosts and accept it for what is real and true. Never forgetting to keep praying, keep hoping and laughing at all the times we ‘almost’ traded in our true selves for what could’ve been fake, a disaster or not participating with God’s Spirit in what could have been our best decision for us. Let’s linger long in the loving gaze of God and make wise decisions based out of clear discernment and what br...

“Risen with healing in His wings..”   There are certain lines to songs we sing that feel like they are stuck in my mind and heart and I have to think through them. This is one of them. I usually write a lot on suffering, but here’s my humble attempt to write about healing. So what does it mean to declare in song Christ as the One who is risen with healing in His wings? (see Malachi 4:2) In my life these words have stood to make me wince a little. Why?! I was taught a little bit about praying for people’s health and saw many older men and women’s eyes full with tears as they begged God to heal their loved ones. Vivid pictures in my life and in Scripture of people that definitely lived faith stories and what they believed in their own context and culture about healing prayer come to my mind as I have lived a life of disability for 34 years. I mean, it’s ok to not be sure sometimes and wrestle in prayer. Now though in lieu of even more tests this week and diagnoses it feels like a goo...

  If there was no visit Then all the waiting would’ve been in vain. If there was no visit  then Mary would have just been an ordinary girl not chosen or highly favoured.  If there was no visit  Joseph would have divorced and kept his reputation.  If there was no visit  Elizabeth’s baby wouldn’t have leapt for joy.  If God hadn’t visited wisemen would still be searching, poor Shepherd’s would not have carried such Good News and there would no peace, no hope no —faith no salvation for the world.   If there was no visit  Abraham would’ve stayed and Isaac would’ve been sacrificed. Jacob would not have dreamed and Moses would not have lead. Elijah would’ve stayed under the broom tree and David would not have been strengthened before Goliath. Solomon would lack wisdom and Deborah would be just a woman under a tree. Esther would not have lead her nation to protection and Rahab would never see the power of the scarlet cord. If there were no visit...

  This summer was hard. I tore it up. These tear stained, coffee spilled thin pages ripped up into a pile on my bedroom floor. I was so mad. I stopped myself in the middle of it. I came to some pause. It wasn’t a dramatic, get attention action for me. I knew what I was doing. I scanned the pile while sobbing to find John 15, some of Isaiah and my favourite Psalms, but I still continued . I even cried more as I thought to myself some people don’t even have one of these in their hands in countries and still I tore the pages of my Bible in pieces. I was processing grief of moving, sickness and isolation. I didn’t and don’t want all the medical and mental sicknesses going on with me. I had to leave my friends, ministry and even my physical  care was getting heavier. I would now have care workers come in to help me twice per week. I was not getting along at some points with anyone who would try and help me in my family. It was terrible.    Just weeks before I had wept and...

 I’ve been in many places in the last 10 years that were like spiritual greenhouses for my soul. My years of youth work, leadership development programs, prayers of discernment gatherings, spiritual formation learning, health crisies and getting comfortable with my own story were all parts of the planting and forming strong roots of who I am today in God. Spring and summer move some of us into going to greenhouses. I have  a love for them that is mostly about the aesthetics and smells of them after the work is done. It’s so good!  I forget often about  the work "behind the scenes" or “under the soil” that is quite literally what keeps the beauty alive and forms resilience in plants.   My Sister in law's family runs and owns their own (Look up  Gray's Greenhouses if ever you're in my area)  This summer again  I was intrigued by the process of growth that we don't see. I've even got a few low maintenance house plants this year to care for. The long ...

  Disclaimer : This may sound like I'm insensitive to mental health, disability or just people who deal with things everyday.  I want you to let you know your pain and suffering is valid too!I do care. This is just  my personal perspective and not the same as everyone's view or experiences What is your tangible act of trust in this season of your life, D?   My brain went to a million things and all the right & good Christian things to say.  I answered her simply with the weirdest answer that I never thought I would say, but I did! My act of trust in the past few weeks is taking my pills at the directed time. It adds some sort of schedule to the day and if you've known where I've been ---this IS something to celebrate. Just writing that carries with it some weighty things I've prayed through around healing, not having enough faith.  I knew it would mean risking my own mental health by trying myself to go off my medication even with my Dr.'s and Pharmacis...

  It's been a year!  A year of mental, physical and emotional gymnastics.  A year of learning to be flexible. A year of acknowledging trauma, grief and disappointment. It's been a year of welcoming loneliness and aloneness as friends in an apartment all my own.  It's been a year of doubt where I've wondered has it all been worth it? A year of missing hugs and singing with people. A year of goodbyes and so longs.  A year of initiating conversations where my voice and tear ducts quiver. A year of learning how to be at home with myself---of being at home in God.  A year of learning to laugh at myself and to stop being so serious.  A year of "flipping tables" inwardly as I learned Zoom screens and to unmute my microphone as time and time again being with people was deemed unsafe or restricted.  It's been exhausting. It's been beautiful discovering all the things around my city and walking/praying as I walk or wheel on these sidewalks. It's been a year...