"Closing The Gap :5 Things You Might Not Know About Missionaries "

My Mighty Friend & YFC Sister Twila Erb wrote this and it is so worth sharing!  Even though I am in Canada with YFC, I never want to forget that I am a part of what YFC/YU is doing around the globe!  Twila is a mighty voice on the foreign field so with her permission I post this...read & enjoy!
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Twila with some of the beautiful faces she loves!
"Going oversees to serve, or even devoting your life to “full time ministry” right at home, it is something few people understand except those who have walked the same path. 
Short term missions tend to give people a chance to change and be changed by their brief encounter with a new culture, new people, places and challenges often before the honeymoon phase (also known as the excitement of a new adventure) wears off. 
And this had been most of my experiences in the stereotypical missions field.
Until now. 
Now I walk a very different road.  One of long term overall, but short term from month to month.  
Every day I experience the honeymoon and the moments where the excitement is gone, and I need to kick it into a different gear for the long haul.  
I’ve seen the tops of mountains and I have seen the darkest valleys. 
I have had moments where I know why I’m here and yet so many where I wonder.
Moments that feel like success and moments where I feel like an absolute failure. 
Times where I worry only about what God thinks, and times where I wonder what you – yes YOU think. 
Days where I am overwhelmed by joy and days where I feel weighed down by false guilt and stress. 
But the biggest thing that I’ve noticed is the gap.
The gap is a discrepancy that cannot continue to be ignored and it is between those of us who stay and those of us who go. 
So here it is.
An attempt at helping all of us to understand. 
Five things you might not know about missionaries. 
Five things you might not know about me. 

1.     WE ARE TIRED.  WE BURN OUT.
Missionaries are tired.  This is something most of us don’t realize until we get here.  After all, aren’t we just on vacation?  Travelling is FUN!  An adventure that we all long for!  And if you are nodding your head emphatically to this you would right.  Partially. 
Let me share my experience.  It started off fun.  It started off as a dream come true.  It always does, but like everything in life – what goes up must come down.  Climb to the top of the mountain and you can’t stay there forever.  That is common knowledge.  It is part of life and it is not to be conceived as a negative thing.  But for some reason once we put the label “missionary” on it, it becomes a totally different story.  Dare I say a different standard is suddenly created.  Eyebrows raise, brows furrow and the scrutiny begins.   And again, aren’t we just on vacation?  What can be so tiring about that?
The first several months were glorious!  New cultures, new people, new places.  Amazing!  Yes, there were lessons to be learned – there always are, but I knew what I was doing here and I was excited for each new beginning.  Every month a new country, a new language, new food, new scenery, new friends.  By about month twelve it began to change.  From new country to starting over.  From new language to not being able to communicate freely.  From new food to a period of adjusting my digestive system.  From new scenery to not being able to find my own way around.  And from new friends to feeling alone until I have the energy to put into forming new relationships. 
The glitz and glam was gone.  The honeymoon phase coming to a crashing halt.
And I was tired.  I am tired.
I longed to just be around people who know me.  To be somewhere familiar just for awhile.  To not live out of a suitcase.  To have somewhere that I call home.  For deeper relationships.
And then I would pack my bags and start over again. 
And we look and say “how can that be?”  Because we just don’t understand. 
We are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted.
But to the rest of the world we are on vacation, having the time of our lives.
And we begin to think that perhaps we should be suffering.  Maybe suffering for Jesus means not experiencing the place where you are?  Maybe we are held to a higher standard?
And of course we can’t meet it or maintain it and we become even more tired.
And we burn out. 
And we give up.  Or we have to take a break – often called furlough. 
And the rest cannot fathom it.

2.     WE EASILY BECOME DISILLUSIONED
We want to change the world.  Ok, let me speak for myself.  I want to change the world.  Some day, somehow.  But it only takes a few minutes.  A walk down the street, a day in a hospital ward or a conversation with one person to realize that I cannot.  So I reduce my dream and tone it down to “perhaps I’ll just change my country”.  And then you watch the news.  The government is corrupt.  You have to leave the country because the political situation is becoming out of control.  Again the dream is reduced.  A town.  Just one town or a small village.  Surely I can make a difference there!  But then every other person you meet is just asking for money or doesn’t have a job.  A large number of children are not attending school or begging in the streets.  Yikes.  Maybe I can’t even do this. 
So we, I, resolve to reach just one.  One person.  And of course we know that it is the most effective way of changing the world and so we invest and spend ourselves often to no immediate avail.
And we wonder, I wonder, if in fact there is anything I can actually do.
I might be able to run on the fact that its not really me who changes things anyway – its Jesus.  And maybe I did have a few small victories of lives changed but then I pack my bags and head to the next country and start again.  And again the struggles are there.  The same challenges but with different faces and names. 
And it’s not long before I become disillusioned.
I lose my focus and I am discouraged, wondering what I am doing here – and what am I going to tell the folks back home.
Because again the standards are high.
And the pressure to perform is always there.  It just is. 
And try as we might to dismiss it and simply trust God to be the judge of success we cannot shake this feeling that we should be doing more.  That we are failing at the one thing we came here to do – whatever that was! 
Disillusioned
Because it doesn’t seem to be enough that WE are being changed and transformed.
And even if we remembered the things we saw God doing around us every day it is impossible to articulate them all and some you really just needed to be there and we know those keeping a close eye still cannot see those things.  And so they wonder if you are doing enough.
And so we wonder.
Most days it doesn’t FEEL like enough.

3.     WE ACHE TO BE KNOWN AND UNDERSTOOD
Relationships are hard.  In general.  But pile a cultural gap, language barrier and skin colour stereotypes on top of that and you have quite the challenge on your hands.  Is it fun?  Is it rewarding?  Absolutely!  But it is also painstaking, painful and incredibly difficult! 
And so we have days where we ache to be known.
I have moments where if I am charged double based on the color of my skin one more time – because all white people have money – I’ll quit!  (Or I’ll hit up the nearest hardware store for some brown paint and take care of this once and for all!) 
Or if I have to have one more superficial conversation that barely scratches the surface of human relation I will lose my mind!  Or just start pouring my heart out to trees and rocks or whatever. 
And even some days I’m left in tears because one more person insinuated that I’m wasting my time – or maybe they just asked what on earth I’m still doing here and I didn’t have a good enough answer and it hit a sore spot. 
Now, don’t get me wrong.  I also have many fast friends.  God has a way of surprising me with those kinds of people in most of the countries I’ve been to – but it’s the process of getting those relationships to that point in a short time that becomes exhausting.  And in the moments when I just can’t take anymore, it only takes one word.  One look, and it becomes easy to feel alone again. 
They tell me, “don’t worry about what other say.”  But guess what, the fact that we become perfect as soon as we cross the sea is a myth.  We are just people trying to do life in a different part of the world.  And guess what else – sometimes we do care about what you think.  We really do. 
And not always in an unhealthy, co-dependent, people pleasing way.
But as a way to dull the ache.
To be known.  Instead of being placed in an ideal box into which we cannot fit.
To be understood.  Instead of being under constant scrutiny of our every move or decision.
Instead of being held to a standard.  A higher standard.
We just want to be – dare I say – normal for a day.
No expectations.  No limits.
Just known and understood.

4.     WE FEEL GUILTY.  A LOT.
Remember those furrowed brows and raised eyebrows?  I’d like to come back to them for a moment.  I’ve seen these most when it comes to the uncomfortable issue of stewardship.  Ok, let’s be real.  Money. 
And I am willing to bet that this is one of the largest contributors to our sense of false guilt.
And I am willing to bet that it is one of the largest contributors to this gap.
The gap between those who stay and those who go.
I’m not sure if there is a mile limit, or some kind of unspoken code that I was not aware of but it has been my experience that again, at some point, there is that blasted higher standard again.  It kicks in somewhere between here and there.
If you want to get people’s attention while you are away on missions, don’t tell them about the conversations you’ve had, or the thousands of miles you’ve covered by broken down bus, or your sleepless nights or the smile you exchanged with a stranger. 
Tell them about the safari you went on.
Or the cultural event you attended.
Or the time off that you took.
You will no longer struggle for attention.  All eyes will be on you. 
Some will say, “great!  Good for you!  What incredible experiences.”
Others will stay silent while others still will question your stewardship. 
“Why are they taking time off?  How can they be spending their money on THAT?  Didn’t they go there to serve?  Are they there for themselves or for others?  I just don’t think that they should be spending the money that has been generously provided for them in that way.”
And it can be said out loud or silently in a heart but we hear it.
We feel it.
And we are instantly drenched in guilt.  False guilt.
And if I take this back to a personal place, I have been there.  In that dark place for a few months now. 
That place of feeling guilty for any moment that was not a specific outreach.
For every time that I took my two friends out who were travelling with me so that they could experience a safari.
For every time that I tried a new restaurant or bought a shirt.
Or spending a day at the pool.
Guilty for every dime – or shilling in this case – that I spent.
And it wore me down. 
I’ll be honest, it completely stressed me out.
More than it should, I’ve learned.
I became so frustrated with the higher standard.  With the scrutiny.  And I asked myself, if I was at home – working – living a “normal” life (whatever that means) would I be held to the same standard.
My realization was a firm NO.
And I wondered if I asked them – the ones living on the other side – the same questions I am asked.  If I held them to the same standard, what would be the response?
My realization?  It would not go over well.  It would become “none of my business”. 
And I began to wonder “why me, then?”
The argument of “it’s not my money” is a valid one.  But it applies no matter how I have attained it. 
No amount of hard work can erase the fact that the money is not mine.  It never was.  It never will be.  And like it or not, admit it or not, it’s the same for everyone. 
And the gap exists because we ask these questions of those who go and excuse those who stay.
And those who go live under a constant false guilt.
Do I sometimes use my money in a wrong way?  Absolutely.
Am I always good at stewardship?  Absolutely not. 
But I have a feeling that neither are they.  And neither are you. 
The idea that someone would work for two years straight without ever taking a break or ever spending money on oneself would be atrocious.  Frowned upon.  Discouraged.  And we would not be the least bit surprised by burn out.
But take that scenario, throw the words “missionary” on it and it becomes a whole different story.   Because maybe the “work” we are doing is not considered work enough to earn our keep.
And behold the gap is created.
And so the guilt becomes false.
But we have a tendency to believe it.
To live like we deserve to feel guilty.  That maybe we are guilty.

5.     WE ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU
This one may be hard to believe but it is the most important thing to realize. 
We will never close the gap until we realize that there is really no difference between people who stay and people who go. 
Because the truth is that if it is a matter of being a “missionary” – well, if you love Jesus you are one.  Regardless of location or feeling or title.  You are one.  End of story.
Because the truth is that if it is a matter of location – Jesus came for a hurting world.  Not a hurting third world.  Or a hurting Africa.  Or a hurting Asia.  He came for the whole world and therefore regardless of your location – you are called to that location.
Because if it is a matter of a higher standard – we are ALL called to a higher standard.  None of us are excused.  Not me.  Not them.  Not you.
Be honest with yourself for a moment.
At any point when you were reading the previous four did you relate?  Did you see yourself?  Have you felt the ache?  Have to longed to be known and understood?  Have you been tired or burnt out?  Have you been challenged by how you spend your resources?  Have you ever been disillusioned or felt like you are clothed completely in false guilt? 
Then you see we are not so different.
The standard is and should be the same for all of us.
And it becomes so hard to encourage and love each other when we are scrutinizing.
To walk alongside when we are busy picking apart.
To bridge the gap when we are digging out the banks.  
And this is where I’m at right now. 
On the verge of burn out and of course I feel all of those things. 
All of them. 
And I have been informed that I MUST take a least one month off.  And I cringe at the thought.
Everything in me KNOWS that I need this break but there is this small part of me that succumbs to the guilt and the worry about what it will look like.
Because of the gap.  
And I don’t blame them for not understanding.  Some will not until they experience it themselves.  And no one is purposely trying to discourage but our words and our actions are powerful and they can either widen the gap or close it.
And I realized that I’d like to bridge that gap.
That I want people to understand.  To get a glimpse of the things you rarely hear from your loved ones who might be away.  Or the friends you know who are in full time ministry right there at home. 
The same message applies.
That we are not different. 
The geographical distance does not change our humanness. 
It does not erase pain or suffering or emotion. 
We feel the same.  We bleed the same.  We celebrate the same. 
But we need to begin to bridge the gap. 
We need to begin to understand.
To understand that we are ALL called to a higher standard!
ALL of us. 
No one is excused.
There is no gap except the one that we place in our minds to excuse ourselves from living as we should.  From being transformed day by day to become better stewards of everything we’ve been given.  Because we have ALL been given.  No one has deserved.  No one has worked hard enough.  No one is good enough.
And if we can just take a moment to understand instead of throwing the first stone. 
If we can learn to accept that the journey of one is not necessarily the journey of another. 
That the calling of one is not the calling of another. 
We will be able to spur one another on towards love and good deeds – as it says in the Good Book. 
To inspire each other to keep going with our heads held high because we do not answer to each other. 
We answer to the One who lifts our weary heads and dusts us off and tells us we are enough. 
No matter what.
We don’t set the standard for others, we grab each other by the hand and keep climbing.
Because we are ALL called to a higher standard. 
Let’s close the gap.

                      
      


Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this and passing it along. Insightful.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this and passing it along. Insightful.

    ReplyDelete

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