A squirmy kid...

My life  (in ministry & personally) for the last year has been a season of waiting, longing and being! A season of learning how to abide...how to end the striving...how to rest and take a "hands off" approach to things.  It has been about not trying to control...fix or come up with an intervention, but just to let God be God! It has a been a beautiful thing...a  hard process thing and a' grace-breathing in' thing.

  I have always been a driven girl...finding worth and value in what I do.  But what happens when all I am doing feels dry, result-less and changeless? What happens when your weak body will not let you DO more?  I have hit days where I have been so exhausted from trying to keep up to all the busy that I have not been healthy physically, spiritually, and  emotionally.  I then had to admit to myself, my team, and most of all to my Jesus that I was NOT ok!  Then things started to break in!  Can I just pause here for a second and say that there is strength in confession...open and honest vulnerability?  It is a hard thing, but a thing of beauty!

So in the last months there have been many moments of practicing rest and vulnerability...I haven't arrived yet!  I breathe in grace and keep on practicing...practicing to find the rhythm of Jesus' heart FOR ME...instead of trying to dance to everybody else's rhythm and expectations.  I have been learning and growing, hurting and laughing as my Gentle Jesus has been pulling me close to hear His heartbeat!

This past weekend in a moment of solitude...that I was fighting so much,   I pictured myself as a little girl in my Shepherd's arms. Around this time I felt as if this Rest thing was too hard...I was being pulled from every different direction by expectations...my own and others.  I created space for rest, but still was super restless!  I wanted to be like the above picture, but instead I was more like a squirming kid!  Yes, we've all held them or have been them!  We want to hold and love them, but as we try to go in for the kiss or hold them tighter they squirm even more!

Phew!  My heart was in total yes mode with my Shepherd as He showed me what was there...and I breathed and cried out to Him!  He heard me and loves me!   Jesus wants to be with me...He wants me to climb up and rest, but I fight it because of people, things or my own agenda!  I don't want to be this squirmy kid...but I want to be that at rest kid who delights in being with her Shepherd!  Still, whether squirmy or at rest His heart for me doesn't change. He loves me and delights with laughter over me and you.

So I am in the process of changing from that squirmy kid to that Resting in Jesus kid...are you with me?  He wants to teach us the unforced rhythms of His heart... will you...will I stop squirming enough to listen to Him?