The Rhythms of His Heart

My understanding of Spiritual Direction has been flowering over the last 5 years. In the middle of my years in full-time ministry with YFC I began to sense in my own soul a disconnect between the outer work of who I was expected to be versus who I was made to be. I was on the edge of burnout. I was tired after years of offering compassion and care to others. I felt a longing in me to tend an intimate connection with God. I longed for a listening space--- a listening person with God. A space that was different than counselling (though it could be coupled with it) and something that my church community couldn't seem to offer me at the time. This would become a space that would give me permission to express my deep pains, joys, dreams, questions and tears without fear of being analyzed or fixed...or even slated as a Christian leader who was weak and not' living in victory'. A dear friend heard this underlying desire and committed to meeting with me in a mentorship/sp...

Kind intention is mostly heard by my ear when I have encountered this question.  The amount of times I have been asked this finds me very grateful when I consider that there are literally people who go through their days without anybody caring enough to pray for them.  Sometimes I have felt deep,  deep compassion...other times I felt like I was to be the product of a human agenda--a controlled approach to what people think I need.  In spite of my crticism of it and in keeping with who I am in creating this blog platform  I want to tell you a story of how this ask no longer pulls at me in a negative way and share my heart as He is forming me thus far.  I have not arrived yet and approach prayer and learning to pray from a heart that cries out, "Lord, teach us to pray!" A couple summers ago I  headed  to Winnipeg with a crew of college-age friends. We would attend a monthly young adult worship gathering.  During the worship set in the ...

  Silence in prayer! I never was familar with it or even found a place that facilitated it or taught me about it. Growing up and beginning discipleship of Jesus in a large ministry family and the hustle of church programs, it was hard to even get a minute of no words, conversation or schedule. It wasn’t all bad, but in all the noise I missed something. I missed the being still and knowing. I missed the trust and communication of feeling so safe and known in God's Presence that I wouldn't want to fill the air with words...only worship...only connection. All of us probably know the feeling of being with someone we love and not needing to say or do anything, but having an understanding that just being with them is enough. Though God's gaze on us is much grander and more holy than the gaze of a lover looking at his love, that feeling is the same for me as I've incorporated silence in my prayer life. It's not long...and some days I struggle with it, but it has birt...

A few years ago I went on a retreat week.  Youth For Christ Canada has a retreat centre for its staff in beautiful BC! Before that time I had been coming to understand the need for my soul to carve space to “come away” for weekends of rest and solitude. It has become a way to tend and pay attention to the things of God and my soul’s relationship to Him like nothing else ever has. I tune out the noise of work, expectations, obligations and needs and be still. “Coming away” doesn’t always mean I’d leave town. Sometimes it means me, a pen, a bible, a book and journal in a room or park corner over a couple of days. Sometimes it means doing a fun, playful thing like dinner and a movie. Most times I cannot say that it’s been an earth shattering experience to practice this. To be honest there are times that I don’t want to be alone or even meet God in rest. This past chunk of the year actually has been hard to pay attention to that need. However in solitude there have been many mome...

LOVED. SEEN. KNOWN. HEALED.  These words have become very important to me.  They are words that come to me in prayer often when I sit before God.  My prayer life no longer is a one-way conversation where I only examine my heart before God, but it also is a conversation where I imagine how He feels about my coming to Him. He loves it when I come. He sees me when I come and there's now a deep familiarity between us where we can be with each other with or without using words. The simple invitation is just to "Come!"Don't get me wrong some days there is  too much talking, there is the  shadowy, sinful awareness of myself that can keep me from coming. Yes,  He wants us to see and know what is true of ourselves, but in recent days it has been more simple.  I  just "Come" and hold my heart in all of it's good and bad before Him--the God Who Sees, Loves & Knows. Why is this important to me?  I think because for most of my days I wanted this s...

Sent to me by this 'brother' and drawn by one of his students It was just a year and a bit after I had moved across the country.  It was a warm sunny Sunday morning in August and I had hopped on my scooter and gone to church.  From the outside no one could tell that morning I had been in a deep pit of wanting to give up.  I wanted to pack up my little apartment and move back East.  I was tired of ministry, tired in my body and tired of being alone.  I went through the motions of church that morning.  No one really stopped me to reach out, but neither did I reach out and ask for a listening ear, prayer or encouragement. In my scooter wheel chair I scootered out the church door when it was over and was on my way home. I got to the side of the parking lot that allows me to cross the street and there was a man I had never seen before enjoying the day.  He was a stranger on that day, but years later has become one of my most precious "big brothers" and...

Here’s a few jumbled thoughts that bubbled over  on an Instagram post aka my mini blog space. I  have been doing some reading/prayer on discernment and decision making. I also have sat as well in conversation with people (via video or phone)  where fear has been so real. So here's some thoughts that are deeper than a tattoo on my skin, but real to my soul in these days.   "Permission to acknowledge fear and live in questions is not the norm, but truly leads to peace.Some of us have been taught that if we are afraid or have questions that we are bad and ‘not a good Christian .’ My experience has been when I push it down and ‘put on face’ it only makes it worse. If you’re afraid —-say it and pray it...if you are worried —-say it and pray it...if you are anxious about unknowns—-say it and pray it. If you have more questions than answers talk about them when you pray. Don’t just be a good Christian...be a real Christian and don’t shame yourself or others for bei...