The Rhythms of His Heart

  I wish I wouldn't  be so sensitive to it, but I am. I am an adult and still so very aware that I try dang hard to “even the playing field,"  cut the competition and make sure that no one is more special over the rest.  I’ve reflected/ prayed the se weeks about where this comes from and my mind takes me back to life growing up. I have 5 siblings and one thing that I am working and being healed through is the pain I've felt  because I was their ‘special needs’ sister. I took a lot of time from them--while other siblings ran and wrestled together , mine did homework in physiotherapist waiting rooms. While other siblings played together,  shared chores and responsibilities mine were left to carry walkers up staircases and make sure my leg braces were on me.  For the most part they handled things well and were and are a good support team, but even now I can sometimes work so hard to make sure that I don’t get all the attention on a video call...or make th...

 I could sound very academic and spout off terms to you like "Theology, Christology and Pneumatology.” I love to explore, discover and learn about all of these things and a decade ago when I sat in classrooms and wrote exams on these big words I felt smart, successful and like I had this Christian thing all settled.  Even though I grew up in church and went to a college that believed these things on paper, I barely remember sermons, lectures or in depth questions and discussions around our  personal relationship and experience to the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.  It is not my intention in this blog post to to describe the Holy Three in detail. I mean Church Fathers and Mothers have discussed, written and argued about it all for years...and now I think a healthy faith leaves room for God to mystify us and be indescribable in the very best way.  However, what I do believe as a Christian is that our GOD is ONE that expresses in Three distinct Persons...the Fat...

 This is more than just a lyric of an old Simon and Garfunkel tune.  As I look at it a bit deeper these days,  I am  reminded through times of prayer,  various books and through my monthly Spiritual Direction hour that part of being an authentic leader, person and follower of Christ means that I have to be honest with myself in recognizing the vices, sins and Pharisaical persona that is in my soul.  In these days of COVID it has been easy for me at points to just distract myself, power through and overcome instead of sitting still to notice what is really going on in me.  This year has me being a more vocal presence in church gatherings and  group settings and classes. I even have friendships that are growing into  honest confession and real vulnerability. It's wonderful and hard and a joy!  I still however find solitude and silence to be the BEST place where I am still enough to let my soul come out and look at myself honestly.  In...

In the last week I have sat with some women who I love deeply and lead in their lives, jobs and ministries.  It's crazy to me though how my 'false self' can take over and try to compete, steal her 'show' or want what she has.  Though I don't think that women are the only ones prone to these feelings, I am honestly wanting to be a celebrator and promoter of my sisters in God's Kingdom.  God, forgive me when I am not that!  As I prayed through the stuff that bubbled up in me, I remembered a scene from my year of School of Mercy & Justice where I  was chosen to wash a beautiful ones feet. There were a lot of significant things that happened in this moment that would make this post long, but I'll get to the focus of why it means so much to me as I live life shoulder to shoulder with other women.   Here are some lines that try and imperfectly express what I felt that day, but really I write it to remind myself that I want to authentically be a woman who...

Same hat different 'hood @ Hildegard's Bakery I have finally moved into my city apartment!   A month has gone by and part of me feels like a kid looking through a shop window at a desired donut on a day. Only now I  finally get to go in and enjoy it...with allllll the powdered sugar and jelly all over my face!! ☺  I am pretty sure that my eyes have been in 'childlike', wide open wonder and tired mode this entire month as I learn my neighborhood, pray about a job, continue Year 2 of Spiritual Direction,   struggle with finding access through doors and giggle with glee in my spacious home all by myself on an evening!!! Praise, God who has heard my wants!!!   I have been gifted MUCH after such a long period of waiting. Yes, I am LIIIIVVVVVING! I am growing and I am falling in love with my God in a deep way.  The Holy Trinity by Andrei Rublev  means much to our little church Oh, annnd I get to be a little closer for THIS time and contribute ...

Since last September I have lived in three homes in three very different home structures. It’s been a hard year personally and globally. Here are some things I am learning...some are still in process and some are easy to laugh at. Read on...and message if you have any of your own tips and funny things about living and leading with people!  You learn that their way isn’t wrong...and you aren’t always right.    If you put the yogurt on the beverage shelf in the fridge...is it really that big of deal to move it their way?! Or even if you have a different view on a thing can you discuss and find a way to be kind in the end?! You learn to sometimes give up your preferences for the other...and then at other times own what you need and how you like things. Seriously, Do NOT put sugar in my tea. You learn that anger and annoyances must be talked about even when it’s hard. Just talk about it for realzies because if you don’t you will shut down or yell loud and resent the other. Al...

Body shame and insecurity is so real! So today I’ll share with you a piece of how wholeness is happening here for me!  It is going to be a different story for your body as you are invited by God to notice Him there and that’s okay. Here’s some thoughts that have been stirring in me as God invades and transforms every part of who I am... Our Body?  My writer friend the apostle Paul said that he always carried the death of Christ in his body so    that the life of Christ could be revealed. To carry in your physical body the fullness of the Gospel means accepting the fact that physical pain, sickness and suffering and limits and the heavy weight are    sometimes part of being a “little Christ” and all I can do sometimes is    “suffer with”—to sit, pray and shed tears because of “long night” you and I experience and ask “How long, Lord?” There is a closeness to the heart of God here in the pain as much as in the resurrection power. I also am recogniz...