The Rhythms of His Heart

  “Jesus of Nazareth, God of Golgotha,   Just days ago these people were celebrating (in homes they’ve lost, some with loved ones they’ve lost) your coming at Christmas. Come again I pray to our broken world. Sit with those suffering in the City of Angels, weep with us in the valley of devastation. Kyrie Eleison, Lord have mercy … Creator God,    I ask you for meteorological miracles - an urgent change to the Santa Ana winds, the visitation of rain. Protect and strengthen first responders and firefighters working ceaselessly to quell the flames… Renew them I pray with supernatural strength.  Kyrie Eleison, Lord have mercy …  Consuming Fire,    We are brought to our knees, confronted by the fragility of life. Let salvation arise from devastation. Lord of Los Angeles, God of the Angel Armies, rescue us. Deliver us. Save us… that we may turn again to you. Kyrie Eleison, Lord have mercy …” —Written by Pete Grieg

  My prayer app says it every morning lately.  “…Spirit, move my heart from familiar to fascinated until it is ablaze with your unfailing love.”  And my heart knows that’s what it needs. I’ve had times when things have become so familiar to me that it has lost its fascination in me. But oh how I want to be fascinated again with God. Oh how I want the transformation of Jesus in my life. Where things aren’t boring or just dead and mundane, but to be in wonder.   Recently my sisters have come to visit on their vacations with their kids. It’s amazing the buzz around the house when people are visiting and it feels exciting not to know from one day to the next whether you’ll be hitting the beach or going on another drive with Dad to hear all the stories of days gone by. And for a moment the mundane feeling fades and you are met with a little excitement because someone(s) that you love has come to visit. This is what movement from familiar to fascinating feels like. Excitem...

These are the words we heard beginning of January regarding my mom.  In mid-November we heard the opposite that she did have a cancerous tumour on her tongue. A surgery to remove it and reconstruct her tongue have left her with a positive recovery period and the gift of no more cancer. Still today I know that there are those that are battling this disease I am praying for. Treatments, medications, pain, fatigue. All of it looking pretty grim. Why does God allow these things? I don’t really know and I will not speak for Him. I do have a quote that rolls around my heart from time to time:  “ God permits what He hates to accomplish that which He loves”  Although this quote doesn’t fully answer all the questions of suffering I believe it helps us ask what God loves. What does God love? Hearts that trust Him deeply in pain, healing of His children in His time and His way, a longing for us to know Him in spite of our suffering—just as He suffered on the cross. Yes, God loves to...

 “Shake off the dust of apathy and sleep” This line in a prayer I listened to this morning hits me hard. There’s so much going on in the world that even if we don’t have an active role in anything we must pay attention to it. The wars in Ukraine, Russia, Gaza and Israel come in to my mind. I’ll admit that it’s easier and more comfortable to just listen to my own life’s needs than to have an ear to the bigger picture, but now is the time. It’s time to turn down our music, rise from our church pews and hear from God on these things. Wake up, Deanna! I say to myself. Wake up Christians and pray for the true justice of God to take over! Let there be ceasefire, let there be a shaking and a stirring towards the things of God’s heart. I mean I can’t force you to turn down the music and listen. I can’t force you or anyone to stop fighting, but I can shake the dust off my own heart. I believe as Christians we are called to this. Wake up, church and let’s stand for godly justice. It rolls li...

  Advent season is almost here. In the last years it has been helpful for my own formation to reflect on the three comings of God. His first being Jesus coming in flesh as a baby. Second, how He comes to us by His Spirit now in our lives and in the world and lastly when He will return as King reigning in justice and compassion—we will see Him face to face.   It is in these 3 comings that I rehear the promise of Emmanuel—God with us. I become more aware and long for His presence even now and feel again the groan with creation for a God who will come finally and make all things right. I haven’t always celebrated advent but for me taking time to reflect and journey through has made my celebration of Christmas deeper and more true. I wait with more anticipation and Hope than before. I understand waiting better and the moments of “joy to the world” seem fuller and richer. If you are done with the hustle and bustle and the stress of the Christmas season, perhaps God would invite you...

This summer I had the joy of visiting with friends that came from afar. I was excited! We arranged a rendezvous spot and a time to meet. Even though we set a time , I always leave room in my life for those unexpected delays. Construction, washroom breaks, slowness of my body are some of those unexpected things that I like to leave room for as much as I like to be prompt and on time. I waited with expectation until the time came when I could see my friends face to face!  This reminds me of how to live in the now and not yet of Jesus’ return. He definitely comes by His Spirit to be with us in the now, but one day —one day my friends He will come physically and we will see Him face to face. He will once for all set things right in His justice and holiness. Our God will dwell with us and us with Him. He wants and longs for us to be ready and waiting for Him. Like a bride waiting for her groom, like a friend waiting to see the face of another friend. Soon it will happen! I am drawn to r...

  Some years ago I had a friend who I was interested in pursuing a deeper, dating relationship with. I’m not usually so forward with my feelings, but I knew he was a guy that hit many of the characteristics I had prayed for in a spouse. So what did I do? I prayed and prayed, I talked it over with a trusted friend and finally discerned that I would need to initiate a conversation with him that would clarify if he wanted that deeper relationship too.   I was told the truth. He couldn’t date me. We then had a brief awkward conversation about how I maybe had the wrong idea and how he had lead me on emotionally. He left the conversation promising to restore his brotherhood to me and then we left. Phew. Ouch! I cried and I cried, but to this day I am glad someone was able to be truthful enough with me even if it meant I’d be hurt.  To be honest I don’t usually want to have conversations that risk my comfort and my heart so much, but I’d rather live with what is true than live i...

  I’ve been sitting in the Scriptures of Jesus before His ascension and before Pentecost. Jesus was sitting on the shore after a fish breakfast. As I reflect on it I can’t get His question to Peter out of my heart. The question is   “Do you love me more than these…?”  Times in my life I remember this question pulling me back to a devoted love of God. It has pulled me away from my family becoming more, my friends becoming more and even my ministry becoming more to me than the love ofJesus Himself. It pulled me towards a deeper love of God, my family and ministry. It has put in me a desire for a deep alignment with heart of God and the things of His kingdom.It seems with this question Jesus was pulling Peter back into love alignment after his denials at the crucifixion and prepared him for his ministry as an apostle in which he would literally give his life for following Jesus. I’m not as uncomfortable with this question as I once was, but I can tell you it still hits me de...

  My meat is to do the will of Him who sent me.” —Jesus It is the fourth week of Lent and I’m listening. Listening for the release from the bondage of religious discipline. Listening for the love that compels me to choose restraint over indulgence. I listen even in the moments when I break my fast in order to feast. Is this whole thing driven by “the shoulds” or guilt ? Is gratitude the thing that is going to drive my inner conversation with God. Why do I even do this?  Lent snuck up on me this year and I didn’t take too much time to be intentional about my fasting choice. I just made a quick decision and went for it and here we are in the middle. Is my fast transforming me more into the image of Christ? I wish I could measure the difference of what this is doing in me, but I can’t other than to notice difference in my digestive system and to recognize that I eat portions of food normally that are way too large!  Fasting is hard. Any type! To choose weakness so we can fea...

  When I was in my early teens there was this show on CTV called “Twice In A Lifetime” Each episode began with someone dying than standing before a judge and they would reveal video clips of moments in the person’s life of joy and of mistake. The person would then see the mistake as the reel of their life was played and an angel would plea on their behalf for a second chance to go back and fix the wrong and get a second chance at living their life. At the end the person would be different and live different than the first as relationships would be made right, mistakes would be recognized and forgiveness given. Though I know the sequence of end of life to be different from the plot of the show there’s something I am processing lately that reminds me of the show. I also am listening to a book through audio that speaks about how God comes in and heals past memories as we open them up to Him. As I contemplate moments of hurt towards me that people are aware of and even of the ones they...

 “ Almost. Almost the winner. Almost there. Almost a leader. Almost a pastor. Almost the best sermon or homily. Almost better. Almost successful in the project or program. Almost done cooking dinner. Almost in labor. Almost done my renovations. Almost to my goal weight. Almost in love. Almost to my wedding day. Almost on vacation. Almost ‘the one’ they love. Almost to retirement. Almost here. Almost never. Almost stuck. Almost angry. Almost dead. Almost alive and almost done. The ‘almosts’ of life roll around in my brain and especially this past year. As this year begins let’s ditch the almosts and accept it for what is real and true. Never forgetting to keep praying, keep hoping and laughing at all the times we ‘almost’ traded in our true selves for what could’ve been fake, a disaster or not participating with God’s Spirit in what could have been our best decision for us. Let’s linger long in the loving gaze of God and make wise decisions based out of clear discernment and what br...

“Risen with healing in His wings..”   There are certain lines to songs we sing that feel like they are stuck in my mind and heart and I have to think through them. This is one of them. I usually write a lot on suffering, but here’s my humble attempt to write about healing. So what does it mean to declare in song Christ as the One who is risen with healing in His wings? (see Malachi 4:2) In my life these words have stood to make me wince a little. Why?! I was taught a little bit about praying for people’s health and saw many older men and women’s eyes full with tears as they begged God to heal their loved ones. Vivid pictures in my life and in Scripture of people that definitely lived faith stories and what they believed in their own context and culture about healing prayer come to my mind as I have lived a life of disability for 34 years. I mean, it’s ok to not be sure sometimes and wrestle in prayer. Now though in lieu of even more tests this week and diagnoses it feels like a goo...

  If there was no visit Then all the waiting would’ve been in vain. If there was no visit  then Mary would have just been an ordinary girl not chosen or highly favoured.  If there was no visit  Joseph would have divorced and kept his reputation.  If there was no visit  Elizabeth’s baby wouldn’t have leapt for joy.  If God hadn’t visited wisemen would still be searching, poor Shepherd’s would not have carried such Good News and there would no peace, no hope no —faith no salvation for the world.   If there was no visit  Abraham would’ve stayed and Isaac would’ve been sacrificed. Jacob would not have dreamed and Moses would not have lead. Elijah would’ve stayed under the broom tree and David would not have been strengthened before Goliath. Solomon would lack wisdom and Deborah would be just a woman under a tree. Esther would not have lead her nation to protection and Rahab would never see the power of the scarlet cord. If there were no visit...

  This summer was hard. I tore it up. These tear stained, coffee spilled thin pages ripped up into a pile on my bedroom floor. I was so mad. I stopped myself in the middle of it. I came to some pause. It wasn’t a dramatic, get attention action for me. I knew what I was doing. I scanned the pile while sobbing to find John 15, some of Isaiah and my favourite Psalms, but I still continued . I even cried more as I thought to myself some people don’t even have one of these in their hands in countries and still I tore the pages of my Bible in pieces. I was processing grief of moving, sickness and isolation. I didn’t and don’t want all the medical and mental sicknesses going on with me. I had to leave my friends, ministry and even my physical  care was getting heavier. I would now have care workers come in to help me twice per week. I was not getting along at some points with anyone who would try and help me in my family. It was terrible.    Just weeks before I had wept and...

 I’ve been in many places in the last 10 years that were like spiritual greenhouses for my soul. My years of youth work, leadership development programs, prayers of discernment gatherings, spiritual formation learning, health crisies and getting comfortable with my own story were all parts of the planting and forming strong roots of who I am today in God. Spring and summer move some of us into going to greenhouses. I have  a love for them that is mostly about the aesthetics and smells of them after the work is done. It’s so good!  I forget often about  the work "behind the scenes" or “under the soil” that is quite literally what keeps the beauty alive and forms resilience in plants.   My Sister in law's family runs and owns their own (Look up  Gray's Greenhouses if ever you're in my area)  This summer again  I was intrigued by the process of growth that we don't see. I've even got a few low maintenance house plants this year to care for. The long ...

  Disclaimer : This may sound like I'm insensitive to mental health, disability or just people who deal with things everyday.  I want you to let you know your pain and suffering is valid too!I do care. This is just  my personal perspective and not the same as everyone's view or experiences What is your tangible act of trust in this season of your life, D?   My brain went to a million things and all the right & good Christian things to say.  I answered her simply with the weirdest answer that I never thought I would say, but I did! My act of trust in the past few weeks is taking my pills at the directed time. It adds some sort of schedule to the day and if you've known where I've been ---this IS something to celebrate. Just writing that carries with it some weighty things I've prayed through around healing, not having enough faith.  I knew it would mean risking my own mental health by trying myself to go off my medication even with my Dr.'s and Pharmacis...